As more intelligent folk speak out about the miserable state of our current political system, we are delighted to expand their audience through this blog.
Today's guest post is by PJ O'Rourke,
Contributing Editor to The Weekly Standard,
a publication I follow and highly recommend.
[Editor's Note (30NOV2023)]
I'm republishing this blogpost from 2015 since we've all witnessed the rise of the UniParty, which combines the arrogance of both Democrats and RINOs who have joined forces to portray American citizens as "potential terrorists, and thereby destroy America. Sad to say, this post was originally written as satire; today, its an accurate portrayal of the current state of our Republic.]
Click here to link to original
They Hate Your Guts
Democrats and their
voters.
[THE WEEKLY STANDARD AUG 10, 2015, VOL. 20, NO. 45]
I would like to address myself to the poor, the
huddled masses, the wretched refugees teeming to America’s shore, the homeless,
the economically, socially, and mentally tempest-tossed.
Also, I’d like to
address the young, the hip, the progressive, the compassionate, and the caring. I’d like a word with everyone who votes for Democrats.
Democrats hate your guts.
Democrats need your vote and they’ll do
anything — no matter how low and degrading — to get it. They hate you the way a
whore hates a "John".
All politicians hate people.
Politics is a way
to gain power over people without justification for having that power. Nothing
in the 11,000-year history of politics—going back to the governing elites of
Mesopotamia—indicates that politicians are wiser, smarter, kinder, more moral,
or better skilled at any craft (aside from politics) than we are.
But political rulers need the acquiescence of
the ruled to slake the craving for power. Politicians hate you the way a junkie
hates junk.
Politicians gain power by means of empty
promises or threats, or both when they’re on their game. Should you vote for
people who are good at politics? No.
You should vote for
Republicans. We’re lousy.
Believe me, I know why you don’t vote
for Republicans. You see the Republican candidates and they look so . . .
Bush-League, Dog Walker, Rubio Rube, Get-Outta-the-Carson, Hucka-Upchuck,
Ap-Paul-ling, Cruz Control, Fat-Fried Christie Crispy, Son-of-a-Kasich,
Dingleberry Perry, Flee the Fiorina, Sancta-Santorum, Graham Cracker, and
Nervous 7/11 Night Shift Manager Jindal.
And never mind the busted flush Trump Card who
should be spray-painted with Rust-Oleum primer, have a squirt gun super-glued
to his hand, and kicked through the front door of the Ferguson, Mo., police
station.
You think, “I don’t want to vote for
these people.”
Just between you and me, we Republicans
think the same thing.
 |
| Christ whipping RNC and GOP leadership |
Republican politicians stink.
This is
because real Republicans don’t go into politics.
We have a life. We have
families, jobs, responsibilities, and it takes all our time and energy to avoid
them and go play golf. We leave politics to our halt, our lame, and our
feeble-minded.
Republican candidacies are sinecures for members of the GOP who
are otherwise useless and/or retired.
Democrats, on the other hand, are
brilliant politicians.
And I mean that as a vicious slur. Think how we use the
word “politics.” Are “office politics” ever a good thing? When somebody “plays
politics” to get a promotion, does he or she deserve it?
When we call a
coworker “a real politician,” is that a compliment?
“But,” you say, “Republicans don’t love
us either.”
And we don’t!
As voters you are demographic groups. Republicans do
not love demographic groups. Actually, Republicans do not love groups at all,
with a few exceptions: The guys in the combat unit they commanded. Blood
relations old enough to have been dead for years. Intimates of their private
clubs. Golf buddies. Fellow guests at the Alfalfa dinner. And everybody in
Bohemian Grove. But this love is proclaimed only after copious drink has been
taken.
Loving you would mean Republicans are
paying attention to you. We aren’t. Republicans pay attention to only a few
people:
* Members of their golf foursome
* Business-associate
members of their golf foursome
* Investment adviser
members of their golf foursome
* Members of other
golf foursomes at the 19th hole
* Their spouses
(that is, their most recent spouses, married for being rich or hot)
* Their children
(except the artisanal pot grower in Mendocino who’s shacked up with a holistic
dance therapist—he’s cut out of the will)
And in that order.
Democrats pay a lot of attention to you.
They offer you all sorts of trick-or-treat giveaways.
Benefits are the way government is
expanded. The more government expansion, the more opportunities for politicians
to get power. (Beware of razor blades in the candy apples.)
Democrats offer you regulations to make
your life safer from razor blades in candy apples. Regulations expand
government with unelected regulatory bodies so that politicians can get power
without bothering about your vote.
Democrats hate you now, but wait until
they have you fully regulated and aren’t even pretending to lick your Nikes,
Birkenstocks, or Manolo Blahniks. (Nikes will be banned for exploitative
overseas child labor. Manolo Blaniks will fall victim to a National Campaign to
Improve Foot and Toe Health. And Birkenstocks—which never go away—will be found
to be in violation of federal biodegradability standards.)
Besides prostituting themselves to your demographic groups, Democrats are adhering to the first principle of political elites: Divide and conquer.
Democrats adore your demographic groups. Democrats are:
Pro-Women
Pro-Black
Pro-Latino
Pro-Immigrant
Pro-LGBT
Pro-AFL/CIO
Pro- Differently Labled
Pro-Unemployed
Pro-Poor
(And by pro I mean whore.)
Besides prostituting themselves to your
demographic groups, Democrats are adhering to the first principle of political
elites: Divide and conquer.
 |
Hillary's Blood Money Donations
|
The Democratic party is one big family.
This means—as those of us from big families know—all of you detest each other.
Or you will by the time Democratic matriarchs and patriarchs get done parceling
out too little to one group, too much to another, and none to most.
(Are you
undocumented alien moms and children enjoying your summer internment camp?)
Democrats provide many social programs for the poor. If you happen to be poor, you know what these
social programs do. They pay you to stay poor.
Democrats favor a higher minimum wage.
And they’ll make sure you get a minimum wage. Forever.
 |
| St Hillary & Slick Willie |
Democrats want to give you health care
that’s free—and worth it.
Democrats will provide you with more
opportunities to get an education and buy a house. A couple hundred thousand
dollars of student loan debt and a huge mortgage that’s underwater will keep
you poor for sure.
And then Democrats tax the hell out of your beer and cigarettes — two of the few small pleasures available to the poor.
Democrats are tough on
business. After all, you might get into business. And make money. And vote Republican.
Money is all Republicans
care about, say Democrats.
That’s not true.
We care about other things. We care
about stocks, bonds, precious metals, commodities, mergers and acquisitions,
arbitrage, and hedge funds.
And we care about you
personally. If you happen to have a large amount of money to invest in our
hedge fund.
Actually, we care about you anyway—if you’re of any use to us. Just
the way you care about strangers—if they’re of any use to you. This is a good,
Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations, side to human nature.
Politics is the other side.
And even if we don’t
care about you—because of our inability to care or your inability to be cared
for—at least we’ll leave you alone!
Democrats will herd you
into a group.
Democrats like groups because they loathe individuals. Any given
group can be made dependent on political power. Any given individual is a different
matter.
Democrats are in favor
of abortion and against the death penalty.
How could anyone possibly arrive at
that pair of moral judgments?
Republicans can, sometimes, understand the
majesty of death—abortion as a matter of private conscience and evil paying the
ultimate price.
Republicans can, sometimes, understand the sacredness of
life — each fetus as a being and how we must not take what we cannot give from
any person, however bad.
But no Republican understands the virtue of killing a
baby too innocent to be born while sheltering and feeding a murderer until he
gets fed up and tunnels out of Dannemora.
Democrats hate you.
And
your family. Sixty-nine percent of America’s abortions are performed on women
who are poor. More than half of the people in prison report pre-arrest annual
incomes of less than $10,000.
A fetus is an individual
who might grow up to be anything, even a Republican.
Meanwhile convicts are a
group that is fully dependent on government.
(And in Vermont, felons in prison
can vote by absentee ballot, which may explain Bernie Sanders - who rose from poverty to become a politician to become a millionaire simply by throwing the election to Hillary.)
“Wait!” you
say. “Republicans are just as bad!
Look at the Republican candidates trying to
attract votes from segregationists, male chauvinists, gun nuts, religious
lunatics, transgender-bashers, Nazis, climate-change-deniers, union-busters,
flagrant emitters of greenhouse gases, and Wall Street malefactors of great
wealth.”
Yep.
There our
candidates are, trolling through the gutters of the electorate. That’s what
politics does to people. It sullies even the most well-bred fellow and gal.
Especially if they happen to be halt, lame, feeble-minded, or otherwise useless
and/or retired and have therefore taken up politics.
Stay away from politics. And
vote Republican.
As it says in Forrest Gump (the book’s author,
Winston Groom, is a Republican),
“Stupid is as stupid does.”
And you can count
on us Republicans to not do much.
[It's time to re-invent our Republic!]
